Nurse Professional Brief Memoir

Nurse Professional's Brief Memoir

By 

F. Daniel Brizuela aka Ouroboros

    This blog is to express first hand through my experience of being a Nurse Professionals seeking help with mental health services. As a 7 yo child, diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), I had difficulties in childhood through adolescent. Growing up with immigrant parents and being oblivious with mental health disorders like mostly all parents were struggled to grant me understanding or appropriate treatment. In my younger years, I loved school but for me it was going way to slow that I lost interest in following the flow of the class. I would get in trouble in school and at home because I never had a filter to allow me to relax or calm down. My step-father growing up was extremely strict to physically abusive. The combination of being bullied at school, punished at home, and struggling with my own internal warfare, I developed various premature symptoms. 

    At age 14, I ate my problems til I weighed 425 lbs and now developing an eating disorder due to the students defamation and lack of education to treat individuals, I acquired Bulimia Nervosa (BN) and Anorexia Nervosa (AN). Even the development of body dysmorphia, excessive obsession with calorie, exercise, and eating regiment. Luckily my pediatrician recommended a dietitian, nutritionist, and personal trainer/coach, that all four years of high school, I lost half my body weight. That was the biggest defeat to success I am proud of. As far as we know now, my diagnoses are: ADHD, AN, BN, and OCD.

    Now adolescent years to early adulthood, I have had sexual encounters, romantic affairs, and friendship hardships, where my emotional and mental well-being are abused and degraded. After my last relationship ending in September of 2012, I could not handle the struggles and turmoil in my mind and process of what has happened. My self-worth perceived to be insignificant and my sense of value became torn apart, then my beliefs of being a savior chosen by a divine force overtook my judgment and perception. My poor mother had to have me admitted to a crisis residential program where their staff came to a conclusion of meeting criteria Schizoaffective Disorder - Bipolar Type.  I will go into detail of this diagnosis.

Schizoaffective Disorder Symptomatology

• Hallucinations - There are five types [Auditory/Sound]; [Visual/Sight]; [Tactile/Touch]; [Olfactory/Smell]; & [Gustance/Taste]
• My specific hallucinations I would hear, feel, smell, & see serpents. They whispered in my ear one on each ear; I would see their body and their apparel (one male & one female); and they would coil around me gripping their squeeze and one would bite and inject venom to me.
• Delusions - This is the false belief in something that may seem true but it is definitely impossible. 
• My false belief was that only I can save the world, I am the only one that can see the truth, and I am the only one chosen to carry out the divinity's destiny given to me. 
• Paranoia - This is the sensation or perception of being followed by an entity, on edge, and believing that someone is out to get the person or in fear of their safety or life.
• My paranoia was that the Illuminati were after me; or that demons and malevolent forces are  enslaving my loved ones; and walking to which destination I felt being followed by something. 
• Mood & Behaviors - The behaviors expand from the dependence of the type in Schizoaffective Disorder. There are two types:
• Depressive Type - Mood is down, apathetic, sad, and miserable.
• Bipolar Type (Manic-depressive) - Spurs of energy, hyperactivity, hypervigilance, with hitting a low after having an extended amount of highs.
• My diagnosis type is Bipolar Type. So I would have racing thoughts, hypervigilance, hyperactivity, slur speech, catastrophic thinking, irregular thoughts or thinking, isolation/alienation, poor social cues, catatonic behavior (being in one position for long periods of time), suicidal ideation/thoughts, and irritable. 
• Medications & Treatment - A combination of psychotropics (psych medications) and therapy (counseling) are ideally necessary for someone that suffer of this disorder.

Personalized Medication Regiment

• Seroquel (Antipsychotic) 600 mg po (by mouth) qhs (every night at bedtime)
• Lithium (Mood Stabilizer) 600 mg po bid (twice daily)
• Wellbutrin XR (Antidepressant) 300 mg po qam (every morning)

Present Diagnosis (year of 2012)

• Schizoaffective Disorder -Bipolar Type
• ADHD
• Anorexia Nervosa, intermission 
• Bulimia Nervosa, intermission
• Body Dysmorphia, current

    After the tragic news of having these diagnosis, well it made me feel like a crazy person portrayed in the comic of Batman and the Arkham Asylum, where the joker, twoface, and the other villains get out from. I fell down to a major depressive state where I experimented with illicit drugs and alcohol. I would drink hard liquor until I would vomit the emesis rich in booze. I tried marijuana (THC/CBD), that made me experience more of my psychotic features. Then, ecstasy was fun until after several uses it stopped working and expensive to afford. Lastly, I fell in the smog of the street drug called "Crystal Meth" or Methamphetamine-Amphetamine and I was sold to it. On and off I would use and stop using for 9 to 10 years. 

    Due to surrendering myself entirely to it, I began snorting it, smoking it, and lastly I would inject it intravenously. The rush was worth the price I was paying at first. It drove me to have a sharper mentality. a sexy body (thinner and fit), and made me feel I had supernatural powers. The cost for consuming this were heavy and I will disclose the rewards and consequences to this illicit drug. 

The Rewards of Crystal Meth Use:

• Supermodel or Sexy Body figure, lean, fit, and thin
• Drug-induced accelerated metabolism
• Ability to stay up and get things done
• Extreme amounts of excessive energy
• Pain Resistant
• Satisfying sexual encounters and completion
• The rush changed each time
• Cheap to buy and easily found

The Consequences of Crystal Meth Use:

• Committed crimes of theft to feed the habit
• Unprotected sex that lead to sexual infections (currently HIV positive)
• Weight gain
• Tarnished mental health and worsen diagnosis
• Family separation
• Betraying friends and colleagues
• Hygiene was awful
• Loss of Job
• Imprisonment or Jail time
• Loss of funds, property, and self-worth
• Alone all the time
• Homeless
• Rejected and Stigmatized

    The reason why I am blogging this is for the purpose to identify that regardless of who we are, where we come from, or what we possess, we are all susceptible to the deviation of the stigma in mental health that consumes me and others to enter a self-fulfilling prophecy (becoming what others kept pressing on you that you will become). I am a nurse professional that work in psychiatric care, mental illness, behavioral health, and addiction; know the process, the effects, and all that there is to know about treatment. Even though having this experience and knowledge, I lost myself to the perfection of being flawed like human being. I will blog and post more on this topic and expand more of what my message is being broadcast with other more blogs. This is a part of my life I have shared with many of you and I am being vulnerable and fragile yet strong and determined. Let's all have the courage and speak up and make the stigma become a historical event left behind. Thank you for reading and please comment back to show supports or concerns. Thanks everyone for your time.