The Psychotic Alter Ego: The Lonely Seraph

The Psychotic Alter Ego: The Lonely Seraph

 by

F. Daniel Brizuela a.k.a. Ouroboros

     I shall share my symptomatology of how coped with feeling, thinking, and being alone, lonely, and by myself in the moment of my hardship and struggle with combating mental illness and substance abuse. The whole deception of my former work in July 2020 and them breaking my devotion when terminating me from the company. I fell into an intoxicating and irresistible depressive gravitational pull. I could not fight off the melancholy of my awaiting destined suffering I had to succumb to in my path. I tried to obtain employment in the same profession and type of work due to the compelling affinity I had for psychiatry, behavioral health, mental illness, and addiction; even though the COVID-19 pandemic continues to erode more anguish, threats, and fatalities, finding employment was in my grasp. 

    I found temp jobs with medical and nursing in 2020 and some in 2021, unable to maintain them due to my overwhelming fear of how the company handled my termination. I never made my newfound job a home but only saw it as a means to an end again. As the loss kept continuing to claim its unfair price against me, I became lost in my self-deception of darkness, nothingness, and emptiness. These are the factors to my persistent cruelty and brutality.

Key Factors of my Depression:

• July 2020 - Lost my job that I devoted and committed for 2.5 years
• October 2020 - My step-father kicked me out of the house
• October 28, 2020 - Arrested for Lying accusation of Sexual Assault
• November 2020 - Released from Jail found innocent yet I was traumatized with the law
• November 2020 - Relapsed on Crystal Meth after 5 years sober
• Between October 2020 - December 2020  = Used up all of my saving staying in a roof
• January 31, 2021 - Had a huge car accident that most people die but I survived lost my car
• February 2021 - I had to forfeit the job that my supervisor/friend acquired for me
• March 2021 - Became an escort and a gay masseur to feed my habit and for essentials
• April - September 2021 - Got another vehicle yet it was dysfunctional and wandered on foot
• October 2021 - Met a guy that I fell for and he offer me inhabitant in his home
• October 2021 - I became this guy's boyfriend yet I noticed his drinking problem
• November 2021 - December 2021 - He was abusive, broke my heart many times, and always kicked me out and made me feel like nothing, he even cheated on me and lied to me
• December 2021 - He kicked me out when I was in my most vulnerable and fragile
• January 2022 - After getting stabbed, yelling for help with no response, that is when I screamed to what others call "GOD" that why did he forsake me like he left Lucifer with countless tears running down my face and as I stitched the blood wound with the laces of my shoes
• February 2022 - Tried to take my life after suffering for so many years, I took measures to jump from a freeway and consumed Gamma-hydrochloride-benztropine (GHB-Date Rape Drug), yet unsuccessful
• March 2022 - Starting over trying to amend all of my actions

    You may be wondering after reading up to this point why did I mention "alter-ego" or "seraph" am I right? Well, alter-ego is a persona (mask) that we all presume and give purpose and life as a sense of self. Alter-egos are formed by the desire of its respondent or without the intention of the one taking its place. To me, alter-egos are a necessary evil that does not have a part or place from how the Ego is formed. In psychoanalysis, to formulate the ego in two components. The two components are "Super-ego" and "ID" and if you do not know what these are, I will explain in a simple form. The super-ego is formulated through our discipline, obedience, structure, and rule-following demeanor, and the ID is the carefree, pleasure-seeking, and self-gratification attire. Together they form the Ego which, which is majorly nurtured in our childhoods.

   According to psychology, the Alter Ego is composed of the attributes and vulnerabilities that the beholder wishes to compensate for and creating a persona to impact and overtake those weaknesses. People can create one to many alter-egos without effort, but some like myself can give purpose to unique and distinct characters of my perception and necessity. I come from a family of magick and witchcraft from both sides and from my father's side, the belief that our family's bloodline has been blessed by the Seraph. Per the bible, perceives heaven to have nine levels of hierarchy much like hell itself. To the reign of God, the highest-ranking orders of angels are named Seraphim or Seraph. In Hebrew, Seraph stands for "Burning Flying Serpent," and that will be another story I will share much later. So for me, I have the same affinity as my biological father or bio-dad. Also, the Seraphim are known as "The Brilliant Ones of Love and Justice."  Since I studied more about this entity, I learned it has several faces to complete the trinity and the balance of its character. Here is my Alter-Egos Creation:

Alter-Ego Creations:

• Seraphiel - The Brilliant One of Love and Justice (Myself Normal)
• Zerael - The Primordial One of First-light/Arc-light (Opposite of Myself)
• Heraphin - The Bearing One of Pleasure and Guilt (Promiscuous-Daring)
• Xeraphith - The Blazed One of Judgment and Punishment (Aggressive-Blunt)
• Ferafael - The Burning One of Vengeance and Destruction (Vindictive - Sabotage)
• Keraphel - The Betraying One of Joy and Pain (Trust bringing - Illusion breaker)
• Oeraphun - The Blessed One of Duality and Division (Masc-Fem Alternating - Shattering)

   When walking the path alone and lonely, betrayed by humankind, deserted by members of my bloodline, and abused by love tainted in darkness, I had no one to offer me companionship. I had an analogy that grew on me and became distinct upon the time journeying on my own. I noticed that I had people walk in front of me, people walk behind me, people walk towards me (front), and people walk towards me (behind). The only thing is I never had someone walk beside me (left or right). Here is an explanation of my analogy.

Analogy of People Stance

• People walking behind me - People stalking me, watching me, and speaking gossip, rumors, & slander
• People walking in front of me - People leaving me behind, abandoning me, feeling superior than me
• People walking towards me in front of me - People that are the obstacle and are there to impede me from completing my destiny
• People walking towards me behind me - People backstabbing me, hurting me, deceiving me, and have ill-will motive
• People standing beside me (left side) - Someone temporary assisting me, working with me or I with them, and helping me with the present matter at hand
• People standing beside me (right side) - Someone staying for the long hall, shares the same ideology, a partner in crime, an ally, and a friend found in the hardship

    As foretold, I have had no person or people stand beside me in this self-destructive path thus carrying this anguish of loneliness and this misery of being alone. To carry out the incentives of surviving. I became the chosen birth form as Seraphiel, but after the world and the creatures that inhabit this existence tainted, ruined, and sacrificed Seraphiel, he created a darker essence to reign in passion other than love. Zerael came to be born with the only satisfaction and purpose to be the hatred that will envelop this world when confronted by my vessel. My demeanor or personality would shift from someone that loves and cares for the living forms in this world and when the necessary shift to the being that without disregard could harm the creatures that sought to bring harm to Seraphiel. Here is how each alter-ego first became used. 

Alter-Ego Significant & Primary Purpose

• Xeraphith - When necessary to survive in the terms of life or death situations, I would say its name and inner strength, aggression, dominance, and power will surge through me especially in potential physical harm
• Heraphin - When I would need to offer my body in acts of weaknesses of the flesh, sex, and vessel fortification this being would consume energy by too feasting the level of pleasure and lust emanating from men and seduced them, enticed them, and bewitched them to follow my incentives and offer their delicate approaches. 
• Ferafael - When crossing paths with familiar betrayers, familiar allies, and in all individuals that were remembered by me in the past would test the level of pure intent and malicious thoughts and would bring out their potential dark side that in turn would prove to me that the person forfeit to darkness and malice
• Keraphel - Passively showed its existence when infatuation of another impacted or interfered with my plans, ideals, and/or thoughts in succeeding, becoming triumphant, or needed to think selfishly, this entity would mislead them to another avenue or tarnishing their view of me
• Oeraphun - This form embodied my personality to shift from masculine to feminine and relishing in the entertainment of freedom, finding the beauty in fun, and carefree of following rules, or causing mischief thus bring an appeal to all sexual orientation men and easily stripping them away from their unified parties

    Eventually these various alter-egos, I call Seraph Offsprings granted me falsified companionship and temporary freedom from the despair found in loneliness and being alone. Since I can shift my voice based on the history of mimicking the voices of cartoon characters and fictional characters, I gave self-talk a whole new meaning of use. Some of my voices were lightened, feminine, masculine, malicious, monotone, and derivative in response. When I had no vehicle and no funds to be able to take the bus, these alter-egos offered me distraction as I walked about 60 to 80 miles in 24 hours. Yes, I was intoxicated yet the drug can take me as far as it is probable yet the alter-egos gave me understanding, support, company, ideas, survival, and inclusion in my circle. Yes, I knew that they were not real and only a manifestation of my inability to find partnership or trust in people yet they were real to me. They never abandoned me, they never broke me apart, they never hurt me or caused me pain, I was always acknowledged and heard, and I was given concern and love. 

    I know it was my psychosis creating references of my psych in the altered state of consciousness derived by the combination of my mental illness diagnosis and my heavy drug use that the creative illustration of these falsified beings came to fruit, but it was either having them than continuing the overwhelming pain of being all alone and lonely or befriending those people that only brought me calamity. So the choice at the moment was them without a doubt. Silly to befriend psychotic imaginary friends, but when you are the only one against the world, those companions filled the void that fed my fear of coming to terms that I was a loser, trash being abandoned or toss, treated like a disgusting insect, and signifying that I was worthless or worth less than garbage or crap. These Psychotic Alter Egos were part of me and although they have been siphoned, I still feel them waiting for me to feel alone to come to save me. They suspended me from "The Lonely Seraph" and gave me their attention when I needed it the most.